How to Drink Tea Like A Somali

Mental state. Tea drinking is a serious matter.

Physical Preparation. Empty your bladder so to create room for the tea, and to avoid going to the lavatory during the act of tea drinking and such unnecessary distractions.

Preparation. Proper tea is brewed, not prepared or assembled in a cup. Sugar, milk and tea leaves should be added generously while brewing the tea. Pour these as though they were as plenty as the golden sand of Saka, for tea is about abundance. It is distasteful to throw in a tea bag in a tiny cup of hot water and ceremoniously drink it as "tea." It is not tea. It is black water. It is laziness. Use particularly darkened pots (the darker the pot, the sweeter the tea, scientific research has shown.) The Somali considers a taboo to add sugar with a tiny spoon. He will risk serious health complications to have his tea this way. He will die for it. He will become irritable and and experience serious withdrawal symptoms and sometimes cry if he cannot find tea for more than six hours.

Crockery. The average thermos to be used in one sitting per head should be 1.5 liters in volume. Cups for drinking Somali tea should be mujubuleng in size, not kijubuleng.

Place. If at home sit on a mat outside or establish base in the living room. If not, go to your favourite faddi kudirir (outdoor tea cafe) with a friend or two. However, squatting, especially in an outdoors setting, is strongly recommended as the best sitting position for drinking tea.

Duration. Ensure that the ceremony takes the time and seriousness it deserves. You should never drink tea while standing. The ceremony should not be hurried. The first cup is for introduction, i.e. tasting the sweetness of the tea; the second for removing the "lock,"; the third for getting in the zone, in the groove; the fourth is for sweetening the story you are telling; the fifth is for giving thanks to the Almighty for His abundant blessings and to conclude.

Drinking. Drink the tea while it's very hot. If its not hot enough to boil an egg, you might as well just drink soy milk or water. Before you sip, take time to smell the aroma of the spices. Close your eyes and let the sweet, warm, cinnamon waft to your nostrils. Trace the subtle scent of the cloves, the minty, smoky cardamon.

Apparel. Wear light clothes, especially if you are in the hot Northern Kenya region. A vest and sarong are considered optimum, and a light cotton baati dress, for the ladies. Discard any undergarments that you may have on. This is for the purpose of aeration.

Sweating and aeration. Sweating is a must, for it is widely known fact among Somali circles that good tea should make you drip sweat like a fountain. If it doesn't make you sweat in the armpits, it's not good tea. When you are well into the third cup, lean back in your chair and scratch your thighs. If you are in public, look aloof while you do it, like it's as normal a thing as scratching your arms. Yawn loudly as you do so to show how disinterested you are. Better, look at people creepily in the eye while you do it and grin in a friendly manner. Then take a sip.

Execution. Pace is a matter of personal style. Some professionals are known for the effective 'one-touch' approach in which they execute very rapidly without putting the cup down once, and retire from the game after five seconds, exhausted. It is recommended that you do it slowly. Take your time. Do justice to it. Slurp very loudly as you sip the tea. The louder the slurp the sweeter the tea is. Initially begin with soft, short slurps. Then loud, prolonged ones. Aim for ten-second-long slurps that sound like the engine of a Rongai matatu. Swallow and exhale loudly. Purse your lips. Shake your head vigorously as though you've blown a hit of some forbidden drug.

Appropriate Exclamations. Make stories with fellow drinkers while drinking tea. When the sensations are at their maximum, exclaim loudly to express your satisfaction. Try to aim for the passion of an Arab football commentator who has just witnessed a sublime goal by Messi. Popular exclamations include: Xuuuuuxxxx! Xaaaaxxxx! Tabaraka Allah! Alhamdulillah! Allah A'Izzak, Allah hoooyyyo! (As you spread your arms outwards).

When you finish your tea, stand up and lean foreword and gather the sweat from your forehead using your index finger and let it drip. Stretch your arms and swing your hips from side to side. Retie your sarong.

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